I'm a mother now. My life has changed completely, irreversibly. It's hard to believe that less than two and a half months ago, Little One was inside me - how did she fit it there?! She weighs at least five kilos now. The focus of my life has shifted; new emotions, new priorities push in front of the old ones, and they all jostle for space inside me. New love, new fears, new worries.
Now the days pass quickly, from feeding time to feeding time, snatching at patches of free time to eat, cook, wash clothes, rest...? Which is why I'm writing this at almost 2am, when I should be asleep. Little One sleeps divinely most of the night, she's so considerate that way, but I just can't seem to get the hang of going to bed early. There's a kind of freedom at this time of night (or morning); I can't possibly expect myself to do chores like cleaning and washing; everyone else is asleep so there's no danger of being asked to do anything by anyone, and the baby will most probably keep on sleeping peacefully. So I have the freedom to be self-indulgent - for me, this blog is self-indulgent, unfortunately, something that's only important to me and doesn't make it anywhere near the priority list of basic necessities we are still, at this point in our lives, struggling to fulfill. But perhaps I shouldn't be so self-denying. Anyway, I don't know how coherent my posts will be; they will probably take the form of snippets and snatches of my life as and when I get time to sit in front of the computer and write, or type up previously jotted down reflections.
Here is one such snippet from a few days ago:
Sunday, 6.00 a.m. One of those rewarding and heart-stopping moments: I'm cradling Little One in my arms and she's looking up at me. I tell her how much I love her and she smiles at me and starts cooing in reply, talking to me. That was beautiful.
Now I really have to go to bed. More next time.